ALL PRAYERS ANSWERED BY MAIL
calling your enemies by their names
she can do anything if you give her some change
all prayers answered by mail
all prayers answered by my little psychic
my favorite psychic
tarot and voodoo tools of the trade
sit down to see her you'll be glad you stayed
i see no occasion for mystery
when reading your palm tells your history and its
all prayers answered by mail
all prayers answered by my little psychic
by my favorite psychic
her healing glove is hot and ready to anoint you
her healing glove cannot ever disappoint you
snake handling ministers couldn't tie her shoes
my favorite psychic helps me shed my blues
this town is richer having you around
and for a small fee she'll erase a frown and its
all prayers answered by mail
all prayers answered by mail

ADVICE FOR TEENAGE LOVERS
she loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not
don't pick a clever girl cause she will out think you
she will out think you now
she loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not
don't pick a rich girl
she'll think you want money you only want honey now now now now now now
this is not dress rehearsal
this is just a dress rehearsal
she loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not
don't pick a pretty one cause she'll only dump you
she'll only dump you now now now now now now
she loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not
this is not a dress rehearsal
this is just a dress rehearsal

SICK DAY
taking advantage of a sick day
i'm staying home nothings wrong with me except being alone
she lives in another state and i normally think that's great
but its cold in nashville and i mean that in more ways than one
alligator tears and drinking beers
can't wash away a pity party i can't sugar coat it my heart exploded
no need in acting phony
sappy songs like this usually make me sick
try living alone for a long while and it'll do the trick
could call someone i don't even like cause i know she'll only stay the night
i aint saying i'm desperate but i sure could use the company
alligator tears and drinking beers can't wash away a pity part
i can't sugar coat it my heart exploded no need in acting phony is there
honor how you feel and ride the loser wheel
but don't let it take you too far
i know how it feels to ride the loser wheel
you can't let it take you too far
honor how you feel and ride the loser wheel
but don't let it take you too far
i know how it feels to ride the lose wheel
you can't let it take you too far
taking advantage of a sick day i'm staying home
nothings wrong with me except being alone

YARD SALE
i paid full retail at a yard sell for my love my love
i shoulda shopped a little harder for my love
i wished i'd bought that chain saw or that blender instead of my love my love
cause my hearts to tender for that love
i don't know why that yard sale made me cry
i got a raw deal trading at the goodwill for my love my love
i shoulda shopped a little longer for my love
i wished i'd bought that lawn chair or that toaster instead of my love my love
and now i got to get off this roller coaster
i don't know why that girlfriend made me cry that girlfriend
i had to try with that girlfriend i shoulda been shy
i'm gone i'm moving upscale baby i'm gone lets put this to a rest
i'm gone i'm heading uptown darlin i'm gone nothings beating in your chest
i paid full retail at a yard sell for my love my love

ONLY YOU KNOW ITS A WIG
congress presidents and clergy too have all conspired to pull the wool over you
and their new clothes are quite see thru
but what's on their head should concern you
only you know its a wig only you know its a wig
only you know its a wig only you know its a wig
the war on drugs is such a farce with the mob and government porking us hard
taxed at both ends and that's just the start
charlton heston made the red sea part and
only you know its a wig only you know its a wig
only you know its a wig only you know its a wig
get wound up and get on a bus and drive somewhere and raise a fuss
don't linger here cause you might rust these modern times
make you want to cuss cause
only you know its a wig only you know its a wig
only you know its a wig only you know its a wig

WRASTLIN IS REAL
hangin at the feed mill waking from a snooze
cause i took a bong hit and chased it down with booze
gonna be a good one
can't ya hear em holler dusty rhodes vs jerry loller
gonna meet my girlfriend at the dairy queen
get a little parfait know what i mean
head on to the fairgrounds spend a little money
a bag of boiled peanuts for me and my honey
first match is set to go and i'm so excited
hope that this wrastlin turns into some fightin
some folks say its fake but i say their half baked
wrastlin is real wrastlin is real quite a cheap thrill wrastlin is real
jerry's got him in a sleeper hold
he's pinned to the mat wait i think i see some blood where dusty spat
with eyeballs bulging and veins sticking out
looks like its over and there is no doubt
then dusty bites jerry's leg and pulls on his hair
and this kinda wrastlin isn't quite fair
well its not how you play the game cause winning is everything
wrastlin is real wrastlin is real quite a cheep thrill wrastlin is real
for those inclined to take a dim view on wrastlin well shame on you
cause a tag team barbed wired texas style match
can cause an addiction thats hard to scratch
and where else can you see fat men in tights
get pissed off and want to start a fight
granny's missing teeth love it so why don't you covet
wrastlin is real wrastlin is real quite a cheap thrill wrastlin is real
wrastlin is real wrastlin is real quite a cheap thrill wrastlin is real

TROPHY WIFE
she gets her nails done on friday at one and her hairdo at a quarter to two
cause she's a good looking trophy wife and she's non cooking trophy wife
she's kinda ornamental dig my life very sentimental trophy wife
she don't wake at dawn sleeps with nothing on
and her iq who gives a shit about an iq
cause she's a big breasted trophy wife and she's well rested a trophy wife
she's quite a head turner dig my life sorta slow learner trophy wife
go out and buy one cause that's what you do
and there's no need in thinking there's something taboo
well they come in all flavors these woman of taste
and you really need one so brother make haste make haste
well she seldom eats got real pretty feet
and her cheekbones look like there set in stone
well a good looking trophy wife and she's non cooking trophy wife
she's kinda ornamental dig my life very sentimental trophy wife
she's a big breasted trophy wife and she's well rested a trophy wife
quite a head turner dig my life sorta slow learner trophy wife

PUNKER
john's going out with a punker she's got red mohawk hair
john keeps asking me questions cause he don't know what to wear
maybe try some mousse now rip a few holes in your shirt
carry her to the varsity but bring her home for dessert
insecurity everywhere but this girl is so hot
don't take her home to meet the folks unless you want to get shot
talk about generation gap and social structure now
put aside those rumors cause this girl aint no sow
cause she is such a fine catch how could this girl be so wrong for him today
and lust can make you strike a match
ya burn till your done look inside yourself today
their offspring will never hatch why can't they get it on and be in love today
she put her hand down your pants ya gotta get the girl who is so wrong today
john's going out with a stripper now she's got a blonde wig on her head
she will do the table dance until your face turn red
making lots of money and having a good time
double bourbon everywhere its a long hill climb
cause she is such a fine catch
how could this girl be so wrong for him today
and lust can make you strike a match
ya burn till your done look inside yourself today
and their offspring will never hatch
why can't they get it on and be in love today
she put her hands down your pants
ya gotta get the girl who is so wrong today

SEVEN YEAR ITCH
i got the seven year itch 5 years early
when i met this blonde by the name of shirly
shirly was her name
and the name of her game was dancin on tables at the hall of shame
hall of shame where the woman aren't lame
and jimmy swaggart would tell ya the same
she's a real nice girl she's not a whore
and if you stick around i'll tell ya that
i had a wife and i thought i was in love till it faltered
shirly met me and for once in my life i feel wanted
shirly your not a bad girl shirly its a mad world
well i'm embroiled in divorce
but i really don't care cause i got a lot of life to share
change is good but it really don't hurt
even if your ex wife makes you lose your shirts
come cheap enough if ya have the right freedom
shirlys with me and i know that i have the right woman
life is short enough if you feel your not happy
so go find a girl like my shirl and you'd best make it snappy
shirly your not a bad girl shirly its a mad world
shirly your not a bad girl shirly its a mad world

GODS DOG
if god had a dog what breed do you think he'd have
if dogs had a god what religion do you think they'd want
maybe a buddha boxer maybe a hindu hound
maybe a dalmation maybe a christian chow
would god walk his dog or leave it for an angel to do
would dogs go to church on sunday or need to go on thursday afternoon
maybe dogs don't need god maybe its just as well
maybe god digs monkeys maybe its hard to tell
would god feed the dogs ken-l ration or maybe a can of alpo or two
would dogs bark hare krishna or howl hebrew like a hassidic jew
if there's only one god why do we pray in different ways
if there's only one dog why haven't the others been spayed

TWO WORLD FAIRS
ive been to two world fairs and a goat fucking to
but ive never seen the likes of you
your not liking me back cause of things i do
when i add one and one i can't ever get two
since ive been in this old worldly funk
ya know my basketball seldom seems to dunk
and my stinking soul is full of funk
since my baby has found herself a brand new hunk
cause i know that you know that i know that you know its over
i nuked all your cats in the microwave
and now only my dog gets a boner
so don't bully me with your bogus baggage
i don't think that i'm gonna eat crow now
if you were a dirigible balloon
i would take a safety pin and bring you down down
i think i'll date myself
i don't hate myself
i think i'll date myself
i don't hate myself
well the pyramids of giza look pretty cool
so does the lower intestine of a farm animule
spit out the same kinda venom that comes out of you
i asked my arabic friends they said go back to school
cause i know that you know that i know that you know its over
i nuked all your cats in the microwave
and now only my dog gets a boner
so don't bully me with your bogus baggage
i don't think that i'm gonna eat crow now
if you were a dirigible balloon
i would take a safety pin and bring you down down
i think i'll date myself
i don't hate myself
i think i'll date myself
i don't hate myself
ive been to two world fairs

MANDINGO
in beaulah land mandingo roam
set lynn on a love seat she's all alone
with a swollen ankle and a romance book
two or three paragraphs was all it took
mulatto babies all around when mandingo come back to town
no white woman wear a frown when mandingo pull up their gown
to get hot and bothered was her custom
and mandingo sure knew how to bust em
on every girl a swamp chicken
and a heartbeat that's sure to quicken
well run mandingo go go go mandingo
run run run mandingo go go go
sling the fluid of life around
when mandingo come back to town
no white woman wear a frown
when mandingo pull up their gown
mulatto babies all around
when mandingo come back to town
no white woman wear a frown
when mandingo pull up their gown
sling the fluid of life around
when mandingo come back to town
no white woman wear a frown
when mandingo pull up their gown
mulatto babies all around
when mandingo come back to town
no white woman wear a frown
when mandingo pull up their gown